Enhancing Your Family’s Emotional Health – Lessons from the Seder

By Dr. Simcha Sheldon

© 2007 All rights reserved.

The Pesach Seder is a special opportunity to experientially and didactically learn about freedom, responsibility, and maturity – as an individual, as a family, and as a nation. The Seder is also often a challenging time for families, especially when the extended family gets together and must interact with each other for hours (at times on an empty stomach following a cup a wine). There emerges a patchwork of different customs, values, desires, and personal pictures and beliefs of how the Seder should be run, along with all the overt, covert, conscious, and unconscious family dynamics – positive and negative.

Family feelings and dynamics are complex and powerful. They can facilitate a wide range of consequences, from deep loving, mutually supportive bonding to hurt feelings, anger, and distance. Family relationship issues include, acceptance, adequacy, approval, appreciation, interest, love, feeling cared about, loyalty, competence, understanding, security, as well as insecurity, resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, anxiety, anger, competition, favoritism, and of course, power and control.

At the Seder, the four sons (personality types) sit around the table and not only have to get along, but hopefully will create and enjoy a positive loving and spiritual holiday experience.

I believe that we can find expressions of each personality in all of us. Depending on the context, content, associations, others involved, time in our life, and a variety of other variables and considerations, we can be wise, wicked, simple, or not knowing how to ask. There are many interpretations of the four sons, and we can learn many lessons about healthy family functioning from them.

The wise child has confidence to be an initiator, yet he does not initiate with showing that he knows everything. S/he asks a question motivated by the desire to learn and grow, and do Hashem’s will. S/he has a healthy balance of self esteem and initiation, with humility and subservience. S/he is not an elitist filled with ego, s/he is willing to sit right next to the ‘wicked’ child, so that he can be a positive influence upon him. (Rav Shneerson, zt’l, the past Lubavitcher Rebbe, taught that we can learn from the fact that the ‘wicked’ child sits next to the ‘wise’ child, that the ‘wicked’ can easily become wise with the proper guidance and relationship.)

The ‘wise personality’ offers a healthy model of family functioning. Problems can occur when the ‘wise one’ is actually not so wise, nor pure in motive, nor emotionally healthy. Such a personality may have a need, do to insecurity or lack of self esteem, to proclaim himself as the ‘wise one,’ or may need to control, negatively judge, show off to, or distance from others, who he deems ‘less wise than he.’

The Haggadah starts with “we were slaves in Egypt.” This is certainly a valid reason for us to deal with self esteem issues. One of the messages of Pesach is that we are not to be slaves – to idols, or kings, or people, or possessions, but rather we are to serve G-d with self esteem, dignity, joy, and humility (not humiliation). When we can feel and think positively about ourselves, we are more free to become the ‘wise’ personality, and relate with those around us with respect and care. It is important for us to not only encourage ourselves to see ourselves positively, but to encourage and support those around us to feel and think positively about themselves. There is no need for competition and doing this fulfills many Mitzvot. A child who is rejected from a school because he has learning difficulties should not be made to feel that he is not or cannot be the ‘wise’ one, for as we read in the Haggadah, the wise one does not know, he asks because he wants to know.

The ‘wicked personality’ – what is his problem? Why is he sitting next to the ‘wise personality’ ? Perhaps he feels alienated, rejected, hurt, or misunderstood – but he still comes to the Seder, and he even sits next to the ‘wise.’ Problems occur when the rasha and the others are not willing to relate together positively. In families, sometimes it is the rasha who is too angry or indifferent to be willing to come, other times it is the others who are being to harsh and rejecting.

Belzer Rebbe brings us a beautiful and important teaching: The Hebrew word for wicked – rasha – is comprised of three letters . The outer letters reish and ayin make the word rah – evil, but the inner letter shin is comprised of three lines which represent Avraham , Yitzchak, and Yaakov. When we ‘blunt the rasha’s teeth, we are separating the shin from the ra, and helping the ‘wicked personality’ to realize that he and his neshamah are historically, spiritually, and emotionally connected to the Jewish people, and that he is holy.

Most of the violence, abuse, and ‘evil’ behaviors, words, and thoughts that are perpetrated against family members and others, is so often generated by the pain and anguish of broken hearts. The Seder teaches us that broken hearts and broken spirits can be healed. Coming together to acknowledge who we are, from our very beginnings – historically and psycho-emotionally – for the purpose of celebrating, with mutual respect, what connects us to each other, is a good beginning for healing our broken hearts. What is essential is that the rasha and the others are motivated to interact together positively.

The ‘simple’ personality is usually easy to get along with. However, some people think, of themselves and others, that being simple is not such a good thing. Often in families, the simple one undeservedly gets less attention. A lot of credit and value can be given to what or who is simple, as tam means not only simple, but can also be translated as perfect. Simple can be just meditating and feeling G-d’s presence and connecting with the truth in the deepest way. Sometimes we are not interested in simple people, we may think that simple means a lack of substance or importance. However, simple people can be very deep and have a lot to teach us.

The ‘one who does not know how to ask’ is often in a difficult situation. Even at the Seder, s/he is the last personality to be addressed. The Seder teaches us to care about such a person, and to initiate the conversation, to motivate him to want to know, and to provide for him the information he needs. This personality can have many disadvantages in a family. He often not only does not know how to ask, he does not even know what to ask for, as he is so disconnected from himself. He often has low self esteem, and a lack of assertiveness. He lacks basic life skills, knowledge, and understanding. He may be afraid to ask, because his questions are made fun of or ignored. Perhaps he is punished for asking, because his parent thinks he should already know the answer. He is timed and often gets used or abused by siblings and friends. He needs attention, connection, and help in opening up his inner doors to himself and the world around him. Pitach lo, open for him, but in a way that will help him to eventually feel secure enough to open his own doors.

Of course, there is the fifth personality. S/he is not even at the Seder, maybe is not Jewish anymore, maybe gave up all hope in life, or maybe just did not get an invitation. May we all be proactive in ensuring that each person in klal yisrael be at the Seder with us.

Individual, marital, and family counseling can help in creating a positive, well functioning, healthy family. Counseling helps increase self esteem, improve communication, and enhance interpersonal understanding and appreciation. Family counseling can heal wounds between spouses, siblings, parents and children, and others – even if they have not been willing to speak with each other for years.

May we all be set free from our internal bondage, so that we may ask appropriate questions, and give and receive healing answers.

Chag Pesach Kasher v’Samayach !

Dr. Simcha Sheldon is a U.S. Licensed & Israeli Certified Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist, an Israeli licensed Clinical Psychologist, Medical Psychologist, and Hypnotherapist; and Clinical Member of the Israeli Society for Sexual Medicine, Israel Medical Association. Dr. Sheldon practices in Hashmonaim. (08-976-1056). www.drsimcha.com